Let It Go

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything is just suddenly crystal clear and you just know what it is that you want to do when you grow up? I hadn't either.  Not astoundingly, movie moment, whoa clear like today.

When I jumped into the fitness industry back in January, I knew that this was something I was supposed to do.  I can't explain it, I just knew.  Fitness is something that's always been an underlying passion of mine, something that was always there when perhaps other things were not.  I had pondered pursuing a career in it on multiple occasions, but things just never "worked out".  Ever had that happen to you? 

I've had several - what we would call in the teaching world -  "ah-ha" or "lightbulb" moments in the past couple of weeks.  Moments of crazy clarity like I've never had them before.  I assume it's because certain events in my life recently have caused me to reflect back on some things... and I began understanding why certain things had to happen to get me to this point in my life.  I've wrestled with insecurities the size of behemoth monsters for most of my life: what does so-and-so think of me, what if I'm not good enough, what if I fail, what if people don't take me seriously, what if they judge me, what if I can't do it as good as he/she can, comparing myself to others around me, etc... 

Much like Elsa in Frozen, I've allowed my fears and insecurities to hold me back in sooooo many instances of my life.  Which, if you've seen the movie, proves to do nothing more than make you a prisoner in your own life.  It's absolutely true when they say that comparison is the thief of joy - why do we allow ourselves to compare who we are to somebody else? Aren't we taught from basically birth that we are our own unique individual? I'm going to ask you to pause right here for a moment.  I would apologize for the Frozen references, but it's literally a movie on repeat at our house.  Both of my kids love it, and the more I watch it, the more I realize how adult it really is and how many teachable moments are woven throughout it.  Bravo Disney.  If you've never taken the time to really stop and listen to the lyrics of Let it Go, I suggest you do so now.  I never realized how deeply I related to the song until the past couple of weeks ,and I was supremely amazed at how true it can be - our fears and insecurities can do a bang up job of holding us back and giving us a false identity.  You can't really grasp onto who you are until you let them go...  ;)  

My life - on a lot of levels - has kind of been upended.  Most of my roots are still exactly where they were - my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever, life with my kids is joyous and frustrating all at the same (which is how parenting rolls most days, haha!), I have a best friend that has never ceased to love me for who I am even when I've stumbled through the realities of who that person might be... but there are a few differences that weren't there before.  And I'm suddenly very OK with that.  It's allowed me to see that we are in control of our own happiness, our own success, our own dreams.  I've got my husband and kids to consider of course, but it's not my job to make anyone else outside of them happy - to seek anyone else's approval for my choices - to rearrange my life to meet somebody's else expectations.  And when you realize all of that, it's like a fog is lifted off your shoulders and life becomes very clear.  :)  

I went to college to become a teacher because ever since I was little that what's I really, really thought I was supposed to do.  In college, there were a few times that I wondered if I was doing the right thing because there were other people that seemed so more much passionate than I was - and then I'd go: but what else would I do? This is all I've ever seriously considered.  (Well, other than writing, but that's another story for another time.)  I'd looked into personal training and group fitness, but I was always to scared to fail.  That people would be like, she has no idea what she's doing, she's not as good as that other teacher, she doesn't look good enough in those clothes - what is she thinking?! And then of course there was that super obnoxious voice that drowned out everything else and won out every time - that's not a career.  You can't make enough money doing it.  It's always been there though, it's never gone away.  It was there when I got offered a job teaching full time ballroom dancing when I was 18 years old, and I turned it away because I need to be in college.  That's what I was supposed to do. There were other factors, but they're even less important..  It was there when I worked at Bally's when I was 21, and started the process of becoming a personal trainer by request, and I walked away from it because I just knew I would fail.  How many times have you walked away from something that you just knew was your calling? 

Don't get me wrong, I loved teaching.  But I didn't love it the way that some of my dear friends love it.  I worked hard and I worked late and I pushed myself to my limits to be the best I could be, but I was also (unknowingly) forcing myself to fit into a hole that was just a little off.  Do I love education? Yes.  Do I love kids? Double yes.  Was I good at it? Did I have the potential to be great? I believe I was and that I did. But I just didn't want it enough at the end of the day.  There were always other things I wanted more.  Teaching all the different grade levels I taught throughout the years were the worlds biggest blessing to me - I met kids I don't stop thinking about, wondering what they're doing with their lives, who they've evolving into.  I had amazing conversations with little people that astounded me on a daily basis.  I got to share my vivacious love of reading every.single.day.  I had my biggest struggles, but the most amazing class I could have ever asked for the last year I taught - I will always hold third grade and that specific class near and dear to my heart. That was the year that I stopped caring about all the "rules" and pleasing people and literally just taught to my hearts content - and I was the happiest I have ever been teaching.  It was also the year I found out I was going to me a mom.  There are so many positives that teaching brought to my life, I can't even count them all.  But I truly believe it was a stepping stone to who I really want to be.  :)  

Jumping into the fitness industry the way that I did back in January was so far out of my comfort zone it was unreal.  It's been a crazy journey in so many ways, and one that's forever changed my life.  I feel better than I think I've ever felt.  I've learned just how important it is to know what we are feeding our bodies, and it wasn't in a way I'd ever expect.  That December day that we sat in the nutritionists office after our daughter had been officially diagnosed as MSPI (milk/soy protein intolerant) I just felt something click.  I looked at my husband as we walked out of the building to our car, my life forever changed, and said "I want to do this. I could see myself doing this - teaching others about how important it is what we eat... It's important that people know."  

I've grappled and tried to find my footing - my dreams were literally too big for me to handle when I started.  I had too much I wanted to accomplish all at once! I've dealt with economic stress with our family, and with others.  I've struggled through the fog of post-partum depression - although I didn't know that was the cause of most of my issues until I happened upon an article that explained how I felt to a "t", and suddenly it was so nice to have a name for my emotions and what I was going through.  And here I am, almost 9 months after I began, and it's all finally starting to click.  Things are lining up for me in a way that I never knew they could, and I'm so excited I can't even put it into words!! Don't ever let go of your dreams. Don't let your fears hold you back.  If you dream it, you can do it.  Why not? The only person holding you back (if you really take the time to look) is you.   The people that really matter in your life, will support you all the way.  

A Different Type of Thankful Thursday

I've been chewing for a few days about what exactly I wanted to say in this particular blog post.  I posted a picture almost a week ago that got more response than I expected, by a long shot! And it's been heavy on my heart ever since.

See, I've never been the type to be outspoken or confrontational.  While as a kid I always loved being the center of attention, the thought slightly terrifies me as an adult.  However, when something is tugging this strongly at my heartstrings and I know it's a subject many women don't talk about and struggle with, I'm speaking out.

I was just being honest when I posted this picture.  Real girls aren't perfect.  I've said from the get go of becoming a Beachbody coach - I'm all about keeping it real.  I signed up to do this yes, a way to gain some financial freedom, to make some money for myself instead of using my husbands paycheck {I know all you stay at home mamas understand what I'm saying here}, but more importantly to make a difference in people's lives.  As a stepping stone to do what I finally realize I really want to truly do - what I'm totally and completely on fire about.  To show people that no matter who you are, or where you come from, you can do this.  In the words of sweet Aibileen: You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important. And I'm throwing one last statement in there: You is beautiful.   

When I got pregnant with our first child, that 15+ year old insecurity of my physical appearance reared it's ugly head with a vengeance.  I can't even tell you how many tears I shed over the fear of stretch marks, then later over the stretch marks themselves.  How I might never look "the same" again.  How I felt sitting next to my 23 year old {I was 29 at the time} friend that was a good 50 pounds lighter than I was, with "perfect" skin and no fear of strutting her stuff in an itty bitty bikini.  And I felt like a beached whale.  I literally cried to my husband that I didn't understand how he could still find me beautiful and sexy, when all I could see were mounds of imperfections.  Extra skin left from pregnancy, stretch marks, discolorations... I mean, let's be real, it's a bit traumatic to the system.  Especially when you use all the lotions that claim to keep stretch marks away and instead of this beautiful "perfect" belly like Tori Spelling, you end up with exactly what you were trying to avoid in the first place... I hadn't quite figured it out that pregnant bellies are beautiful.  I embraced it much more the second time around.

I went from ~128 to 174 with my first pregnancy {Aug '11 in the picture on the left}, and ~118 to 158 with my second {Oct '13 on the right}.  Believe me when I say that I gained my fair share of weight with both babies! :)

I wish I could tell you the exact moment that it clicked in my brain how silly it all was.  I wish I could say that the hundreds of times that my husband held me while I sobbed {during and immediately after pregnancy}and whispered sweet reassurances that I'd just had his baby and I needed to realize what I'd just accomplished and was beautiful to him no matter what I thought I saw in the mirror, actually clicked.  Don't get me wrong, those words helped, but that wasn't what knocked me completely off my high horse.

It was my son.  I've looked at him in utter amazement and wonderment so many times I lost count the first month of his life...and I've done so millions and trillions of time since... but my thoughts every time that I gazed at him were like a record on repeat: We made this tiny little miracle.  I carried him, and grew him, and gave him life.  ME.  The further that sunk in, the more I began to realize how incredibly selfish I was being about my body.  Those stretch marks, the ones that covered my butt, hips, thighs, around my knees, boobs, and especially my stomach - those were proof that my body had accommodated this tiny little person.  It had been his home, his safe haven, his life source.  Those stretch marks were what made me a mama.

There was another thought that popped into my head as well: how ridiculous was I being about these badges of honor {if you will}, when there are women all over the world that can't get pregnant? Had I ever stopped to realize how many women would love to be covered in stretch marks, just so that they could carry their own baby? That one stung.  Bad.  We all are inherently selfish by nature, we're all sinners, so it shouldn't have felt like such a slap in the face to realize how childishly selfish I had been about how I looked, but it did.  And I was.

How ridiculous is it that we - women in general, not just mamas - have fallen into the trap that society has set for us? That we have to look a certain way in order to be beautiful...?  Those models that we are constantly comparing ourselves to are airbrushed.  They aren't real.  And no offense, but I don't want to look that thin. I want tone, I want definition, I want to look and be strong.  I want to be healthy outside and in.  I want to be someone that my daughter can look up to.  

I stumbled upon this beauty one night {or should I say early morning?} when I was having a nursing session with my first... and literally wept with how it made me feel.  It was absolutely what I needed to hear/see at the time, and has stuck with me ever since.  I saved it on my phone, and looked at it every single time I felt down to give myself a reality check.  Kinda like, I am woman, hear me roar! {Cue: Katy Perry's Roar, haha!}  

I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have bouts of insecurity - how I still have this baby pooch, or the way my extra skin wrinkles when I bend over or do crunches, or how my boobs are not as perky as they once were due to two bouts of breastfeeding {haha!}... but they're incredibly short lived.  Fleeting moments that I wrestle with like every other woman out there.  Now, not only have I completely embraced my mama body, I'm working with it, instead of against it.  

And then I look at my two little precious miracles, and laugh at myself... and I'm thankful for every little imperfection that I earned by becoming their mama.

mnb challenge: week one!

Alright folks.  Week one of the "move.nourish.believe." challenge is over! I love doing these challenges.  It holds me accountable, it forces me to step out of the box and try new things,  it gives me "easy" content to post on social media {which some days is much needed, haha!}, and it gives me a focus.  I tend to be all over the place because I get too excited and start getting too much going at once, so focus is good.  {If you want to jump in and join in on the fun, click here for the event on Facebook! It's an awesome party!} You're supposed to take a picture that relates to that days challenge, post your accomplishment on Twitter and Instagram, and then recap here at the end of the week!

Besides, the grand prize for this fabulous challenge is $1,000 shopping spree to Lorna Jane!!! As a mom who's always putting her kids needs before her own, I could use workout gear... I've been using the same stuff for several years now! 

Week one was all about movement. {Does anyone else get the I like to move it, move it song from Madagascar song stuck in your head when you talking about moving? No? Just me? ok.}   So, without further adeiu, here's how my week went! 

Feb 3: Sweat it out - show us your favorite way to sweat it out! 

I'm a stay at home mama with a two and a half year old and a four month old.  Workout DVDs are a staple for me.  I love to get out and walk with the kids when I can, but it's been too cold here to get them out.  Boooo.  To be honest, our Playstation has been trying to fritz out for awhile, and I think it finally bit the dust... I couldn't get the silly thing to boot up.  So, I worked out on my laptop.  I wasn't going to let anything stop me starting this challenge on Monday! In case you can't see it in the picture,  I broke out my Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Boot Camp dvd, it's an oldie but a goodie! :) 

Feb 4: Change it up! Sweat a new way! Find a workout from movenourishbelieve.com/category/move and show your post-session selfie! 

This is a prime example of why I love this challenge.  I had to log on to the move.nourish.believe. website and find a workout to do for this day.  I had to step out of my comfort zone and try something different. After scrolling through several workouts, I picked this travel workout.  I don't have the confidence quite yet to try some of the yoga stuff she had posted without causing myself harm! I added a little extra to do it by pulling up a video from +Natalie Jill on Instagram.  Love her workouts, and I hadn't done this one! 

Feb 5: Let's get planking! Plank for at least 5 minutes today.  You can split the planks up.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have a love/hate relationship with planks.  I'm four months out from my second c-section, and it still ceases to amaze me how different I feel even when compared to after having our son two and a half years ago.  I've always prided myself on having strong abs, but there's just something about carrying a baby around then having those muscles sliced through that puts you in a new category.  It's worth everything you go through, it's just a different kind of challenge.  I spent some of my planking time with my favorite little boy riding on my back.  Totally makes any workout fun! Love this kid.  

Feb 6: Buddy up! Workout with a friend today.

My favorite workout buddy happens to be my sister.  I'll be honest, we have had the most incredibly rocky relationship, and I love that we are now at a point in our lives where we seem to have called a truce and just enjoy being around each other.  I think that for the first time in our lives, we actually aren't competing with each other, we're working as a team.  I still haven't seen it, but I've heard that our relationships mimics the one in Frozen {and no, I don't have magical ice powers, sorry to disappoint, haha!)...  We popped in another oldie but goodie: Flirty Girl Fitness - abs and booty.  I haven't done this workout in awhile, and I rememberd it being a halfway decent workout... Our legs were both jelly by the end, and today, I'm feeling the repercussions of "leg day".  I'm all those ridiculous meme's you see all over the interwebs.  

Like this one.  

Feb 7: Show your five fitness favorites.  Exercise, people, whatever gets you moving and motivated! 

I'm hoping in a few months I can come back and revisit this, and some of my items will be different.  I have a few things on my fitness "wishlist", like a Polar, or fitbit, new sports bras and shorts/yoga pants and leggings, new shoes, etc...  :)  But for now, these are my go-to essentials.  My favorite Pink yoga pants, my loved Nike sports bra {so comfy}, my Under Armour shoes, my yoga mat, and my fave workout DVDs: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Bootcamp {hey, I'm from the DFW metroplex, I love my DCC!}, Flirty Girl Fitness, anything Shaun T - the man is crazy but knows how to get 'er done, and Yoga Booty Ballet.  I'm actually about to begin a new program - which just shipped tonight - hooray! in a little over a week and I'm almost beside myself with excitement!! Woo hoo!!! 

Next week is Nourish.  I'm supposed to eat a meatless meal on Monday which should be interesting as I loooove my meat.  And so does my husband...  Hmmm.  Wish me luck! 

a little about me.

i'm all about keepin' it real.  i'm a 31 year old stay at home mom to two precious kiddos and a devoted wife to a hardworking husband.  i love the outdoors, country music, the sounds of nature, laughing so hard it makes you cry, and making memories with those that mean the most to you.  i hoard fitness magazines and ambitiously try out new workout routines and dvds, because i absolutely love them.  i love firepits in the winter at our lease on the river, i love lightning bugs dotting the evenings in the summer, i love a great concert or a loud playlist vibrating the water at the lake or the river...  i love living life.

i, like millions of other women out there, have suffered from self-esteem and insecurity issues.  not only are we bombarded daily with what society thinks we should look like, we have our own opinions.  and people like to share those opinions.  it doesn't matter your weight, somebody is always commenting on how skinny you are or how much weight you should lose.  shouldn't it be more about how healthy you are rather than a magic number on the scale? a clothing size you've predetermined you need to be able to fit into?

starting in about eighth grade, i decided i needed to lose weight.  i have never, by anyone's standards, been what can be considered "overweight".  but i didn't fit in with the girls, boys didn't seem to be attracted to me, and how i looked was the one thing in my mind i could control.  i'd eat one banana and do a hardcore workout video and then run on the treadmill or go workout in the pool for at least another hour.  i think at one point i'm being gracious to say i was taking in 500-900 calories a day.

this trend continued off and on through high school, where i still continued to feel like i didn't fit in, where i never found my place with "the cool kids".  {you know the ones.}  i finally gained a little footing in my confidence in my senior year after recovering from the devastating experience of not making cheerleader for i think the third time, and realizing that i had to be ok with me or my senior year was going to be miserable.  i danced, i met an incredible guy that allowed me to blossom, and i loved life.

unfortunately, things moved on and i met a guy two days into my college experience that completely wrecked the person i'd become.  it was gradual, so i didn't even notice what was happening.  bad habits returned full force and i began to restrict calories, work out too hard, and this time, i was armed with the assistance of a little diet pill called ephedra.

 i'm not proud of my choices.  i'm not proud of all the pills i popped and how hard i worked to be the picture of someone else's perfection.  but i was lucky enough to break away from it.  to get the chance to start over and truly live healthy.  i would be lying if i said making the right food choices was easy - i struggle a lot less than i used to, and my dear husband has been an amazing cheerleader in helping me realize that food is not necessarily my enemy.  it's meant to be enjoyed.  but you have to practice control, which isn't always an easy thing to do.    

now i'm a mom.  i've been through two pregnancies that have changed my body forever.  my weight has fluctuated to numbers that a younger version of me would have sobbed over.  but as i sit here typing this, with the newest addition to our family snoring softly on my chest, i can't imagine never having had those experiences.  i've learned to see my body as beautiful, regardless of that number on the scale or what size clothing i fit into now.

if nothing else, that's what i want to pass on to {YOU}, my readers.  that you're beautiful.  it's not a number, it's how you feel.  it's being comfortable in your own skin.  it's knowing that you're making food choices to better your life so that you can live it to the fullest extent possible, expand your family, play with your children...  being active so you can sleep better at night, improve your health, live longer, play harder.

i can't wait to get to know every one of you: your ambitions, your dreams, your challenges...  think of me as your personal cheerleader! lookin' forward to a happy, healthy, fabulous 2014!